The academic revelation to the academic prophet, which was given in order to show what must soon take place. It was given to him through the Study Guides. Panicked is the one who reads it, for the time is near.
Behold, I was sitting in the upper study room of the library on the Dead Day when I heard a voice behind me that said, "Do not procrastinate!" I turned and saw a figure with hair mussed and eyes red, like a caffiene addicted student, and his legs were pasty white as though he had not been outside for days, and he was clothed in wrinkled, dirty clothes as though he had not slept or bathed at all--and I feared a great fear, for in him I saw the future of all college students.
"Listen!" he said, "and write down what I am going to tell you. To the College of Liberal Arts write:
I know what it is that you do there, with all your papers, essays, and lab reports. You have done well on the reading quizzes, but do not be led astray by the Internet and all its plagierisms or else your Blue Books shall be thrown out and there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
"To the Engineering School write:
I have seen what you have done, and I am impressed. Your freshman and senior projects are finished, but do not relax just yet. For behold you shall be tested on concepts physical, electrical, and mechanical and it shall put you to the test. Remember the formulas you have been given and trust in them to see you through."
"To the Business School write:
You who learn to deal with money, have the utmost diligence for you shall be graded for accuracy. Who wants to put their money in the hands of those that would lose it? Be you not flippant but instead be most serious and thorough in your work and you shall succeed."
"To the Education School write:
You who have no class on Fridays, be not fooled into a false sense of security because of your classes. Beware, for you shall have to write lesson plans and strategems for dealing with children you have never taught, and you shall be required to remember all types of children in your testing. As for those who have completed their student teaching requirements, tire not in your pursuit of a job, for you shall find it."
Then I was taken into the classroom and there stood the Professor and in his hand was a final exam, with seven essay questions. Standing around him were the seniors, who bowed to the Professor and said, "Merciful is the professor who holds back bad grades and gives a curve on the final exam!" It was then that I realized that no one was worthy to complete the exam, and I fell to my knees, depressed. Then one of the seniors said to me, "Look! Here comes the one, the Responsible one who will achieve the perfect score!"
I looked and there was someone in the likeness of a college student, but that being's clothes were freshly washed. Its hair was combed and its eyes were clear and alert. It moved as though it had enjoyed a full night's rest and smiled as though it had not a care in the world. On its head it wore a strange square hat with a tassel, and around its shoulders down to its knees wit wore a black robe. Then it took the Final exam and answered the First Essay Question.
Then behold, a being with a large hammer sprung forth from the Final Exam and was given permission to wreak havoc on returning students' on campus living arrangements for the next year. It carried a large hammer and was given permission to ruin all dormitories.
Then the being that was like a college student answered the second essay question. Suddenly a second figure burst forth from the Exam, and it was given permission to lose all manner of paperwork related to course grades and transient request forms. It was given permission to make registration for future courses slow and painful, and it held a school bulletin in its hand.
Next the being answered the third question. Suddenly another figure suddenly appeared with a ledger in its hand. It was given permission to cause trouble with students' tuition balances.
Then the being answered the fourth question. A pale green monster with a spatula lurched out of the test and went forth to make on campus dining less appealing with each school year. And I was sore afraid for those who would eat that cooking.
Then it answered the fifth question, and suddenly I was surrounded by college students who had reached the breaking point last year around finals and they said to the Professor, "When shall we recieve our grades, that we might find relief from this academic bedlam?"
Then the Professor answered, "As soon as they are all graded and the Registrar has the chance to post them on Bearport." But until then all the students were given white sheets of paper with their pre-final averages in order that they might find some measure of comfort for their GPAs.
Then the being like a college student answered the sixth question. Suddenly the sky over the whole of the college campus filled with dark storm clouds and plunged the campus into darkness. Construction appeared at points on campus to cause students to detour, and a third of the parking on campus was taken away due to it. Then the seniors cried out, "Beware the wrath of the Professor, and the wrath of the Graduate! For the day of their wrath has come, and who shall be able to pass their finals?"
Suddenly we were once again surrounded by people clothes in black, much like the Graduate, but their tassels hung on the other side of their hats. They chanted, "Thanks be to the Professor and the Graduate, who offers study guides and advice, that we might be able to pass our finals and earn our degrees!"
Then the Graduate answered the final essay question and there was silence for three hours. A department secretary came bearing Blue Books and exams, and gave them to the Professor. Then the professor flung them at the students, and there was testing for five days.
After the tests were completed and returned to the Professor, he and the Graduate graded them together, and there was great unrest across all the campus. Great beasts appeared and told lies about the Professor and the Graduate saying, "Surely they shall fail you all! You shall all be fifth year seniors, and you shall never earn your degrees!" There were several students who believed the beasts and gave themselves over to drunkenness and avarice out of despair for their grades and they said, "What does it matter what we do to ourselves now? Surely our fates will be disasterous!"
But then the Professor and the Graduate returned with others who had graduated and put to silence to the beasts and those who doubted. Then I was taken to the top of the administration building and one of the seniors said, "Look and see what comes from the sky! It is a large place filled with seats for all the seniors who withstood all finals. And they shall put on their academic regalia and stand before their Professor and recieve the degree that grants life for all their hard work."
May all those that read the words of the Academic Prophet be warned. Better off is the one who reads these words and takes heed, for they shall pass. But woe to those that ignore the words and slack off, for they shall not find themselves at the ceremony of the Graduate.
